Online Dating 101-Is That What They Really Think Women Want?

You know, you would think with all of information out there about what women want, men would have a clue when emailing for the first time. I mean there is just no shortage of it and, yet, I am amazed at the dribble that I find in my inbox on Match.
Here, my friends, is a fabulous example from a message I received the other day.

“I like having candlelite dinners, I am a very romantic.”

Yada, yada, yada. Excuse me a moment while I throw up in my mouth a little bit. I mean the only thing missing here is long walks along the beach. Granted there are no beaches in Kansas, but you get my point.

Lord God, if you’re emailing a 20something maybe, but a 40something woman who’s dating has long since gotten over candlelit dinners and gushy, drippy crap! I mean give me something to work with here. Something with some substance for crap’s sake!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anything against candlelit dinners and romance. Not at all. In fact, I do enjoy a romantic dinner with a fabulous bottle of wine, but can we lose the cliches and try to be original?

And come to find out this same dude was corresponding with a friend of mine. They met and, after only a few weeks, he told her he was ready to move toward marriage. When she told him she was pretty sure NO, he asked if she knew me.

Good Lord! Are there any men from Kansas who are complete douchebags? Are there any who have any idea at all what women want? Okay, maybe that’s a trick question. I’ll give you that, but damn!

Thoughts?

Match.com – 15% off- Love is Waiting

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Craziness at Club Rodeo-Part Deux

Nipple Ring Guy was not the only craziness that ensued during our trip to Club Rodeo Saturday night. The night was filled with a seemingly ever-ending circle of guys at our table. All shapes, all sizes, all ages, all differing states of drunkenness. One older dude actually head butted my girl G!

Some of the craziness actually came from a very unexpected source. There is a guy that I met on PlentyOfFish.com probably 3 years ago. We have corresponded off and on over the years but never actually met for whatever reason. He lives in Wichita, so I thought it would be fun to meet and asked him to join us for drinks. He seemed excited about it.

We had texted back and forth that night talking about the wheres and the whens and seemed to have a plan. My girls and I hadn’t been at the club very long when he arrived. There were a couple of guys around the table. (Well, I mean when weren’t there.) Anyway, he arrived and walked up beside me. We visited for just a few minutes and he wandered off (I thought) to grab another beer. At almost the same time, the guys around the table left and my girls and I hit the dance floor.

When we returned to our table, he was still off somewhere. (Again, I thought) The night went on and dude never came back. I watched for him around the club and nothing. He seemed to have vanished into thin air. WTF? I invite him out, we speak for about 2 minutes, and then he pulls a disappearing act?

I could not figure it out. How do you agree to meet someone for drinks and then simply go for a beer and never come back? After the club, during the post-club girl talk/processing session, I mentioned it to my girls and we discussed it. By the way, is that something us 40somethings do that 20somethings don’t? Hmmm…

Anyway, here’s what I think. I think dude was intimidated. Uh huh. Intimidated. He has told me that he’s a little shy, and I think he thought that we were out of his league. Weirdness in itself really, but whatever.

An email from him the next morning seemed to confirm this. He apologized saying that I was lovely and enchanting (really? enchanting?) but that he hadn’t wanted to interrupt my friends and I. Interrupt? Dude, I invited you out to hang with us. How in the hell is that interrupting?

Guys, you have got to have some self confidence. I’m sure Lance would agree with me here. (By the way Lance, do you have a gaming correspondence course for men in Kansas?) Seriously though, women are attracted to confidence and find it sexy. If you don’t have it, you’ll find yourself alone at the nearest dive shimmied up next to my friend at the bar.

Thoughts?

Craziness at Club Rodeo

As you might imagine, Map Dot, KS, does not have much of a nightlife. Oh there are a couple of clubs here and there and, of course, your smattering of taverns and dives. We used to even have a few sports bars, but I think we’re pretty much down to none at this point. Anyway, for much needed entertainment, we leave our little town for the bright lights of big city. Saturday night was one of those nights. My girl, G, and I headed to Wichita to get our groove on. We grabbed up beautifulbabydaughter and went to On The Border for dinner and drinks by Paul, our favorite bartender ever. Then we headed to Club Rodeo.

Now, we’ve been to Rodeo before and had a good time, but Saturday was beyond anything we’d experienced there in the past. No more had we found a table than 3 or 4 guys surrounded us. Christ, I didn’t have a beer in my hand yet and it was like flies to shit! It never let up and, can I just say, most of them could so use some lessons from Lance.

My favorite was Nipple Ring Guy. Dude was ridiculous. Actually the interaction wasn’t too bad to begin with, but it went south in about a heartbeat. They were talking to us about whatever and it came up that the cute little blonde was my daughter. Of course, there was the usual “No. You can’t have a daughter that age” blah, blah, blah. Then NRG asks the inevitable age question. “I know I’m not supposed to ask, but how old are you anyway?”

Now, he’s right. Everyone knows this isn’t a question you ask women, but truth be told I’m used to it and really it doesn’t bother me. I go out with my daughters often and as soon as people find out they are my daughters, the age question follows.

So anyway, I answer the question honestly. “I’m 45.” After he picks his jaw up off the floor, he recovered quite nicely. A few minutes later he and his friend wander off. I’m thinking they won’t be back. Wrong! They returned sometime later.

Nipple Ring opens with, “So, you’re older than my dad.”

Really? He just said that to me! Really? Uh huh. Followed by, “Yep, he turned 42 last week.”

Damn dude! You’re done. Next.

What was completely ridiculous was that he kept coming back to the table, standing close to me, brushing my thigh, trying to make intense eye contact. He never gave up. In fact, at the end of the night when the lights went up, there he was. Oh my Lord dude, you are so not closing this deal!

Thoughts?

How Soon Is Too Soon?

In dating there are many times when this is a valid question. From how soon should you meet someone you’ve met online in person to how soon should you give out your phone number to how soon is it okay to have sex, it seems this is one question that pops up quite frequently in dating interactions. And, I think, what it boils down to is personal boundaries and your own comfort level.

Let’s face it we all have personal boundaries…at least we should have, but maybe that’s a whole ‘nother post. The point is based on our experiences to date we learn what we find acceptable and comfortable and what we don’t.

For example, my experiences with Instant Messenger have not been pretty. In the early days of my re-entry in the dating game, I managed to run into men who wanted to fast forward into sex talk and, worse, sending me pictures of Mr. Winky through IM. After awhile, I began to dread that “What’s your yahoo ID?” question. That has now become a full blown aversion. IM is simply something I do not do. And yet, when men ask and I explain why IM is not for me, there are those who try to push me into it. Ummmm…excuse me? You just shot yourself in the foot my friend.

Remember my phone phobia? Same kind of deal. That guy continued to push. With every email came the inevitable, “Why don’t you call me tonight?” And where is he now? Done-zo as my daughter would say. Was it because of something as trivial as a phone call? Absolutely not. It was because he couldn’t respect my boundaries. If he was pushing me to do this thing even after I explained time and time again that it made me uncomfortable, what would be next?

What about the guy who pressures you to have sex before you’re ready? Is that the guy you really want in your life? You wouldn’t accept that kind of boundary crossing from friends or family or co-workers, so why in God’s name would you accept it from someone you don’t even really know yet?

So when do you give out that phone number or meet in person? Easily answered, when your comfort level with that person rises through your interactions with them.

For example, Eathan was very respectful of my phone issues and never pushed me to give him my number. With more conversation and interactions, my comfort level with him grew. By the time he mentioned talking on the phone the second time, I knew this was someone I felt comfortable with, and I gave him the number without a moment’s hesitation. In retrospect, a good decision given we’ve had some fabulous conversations since. Then again, I knew that going in or I’d have never have given it to him.

Bottom line is that it’s not about IM or phone calls or even sex. It’s about personal boundaries and comfort. And if you let someone pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with, what the hell does that say about you? The other person sees someone they can manipulate. Not really a foundation for a possible relationship is it? Never even mind how you’re going to feel about yourself if you cave.

Thoughts?

Cosmo Magazine: Quality or Crap?-Guest Post

NOTE: This post is written by none other than my beautiful eldest daughter, Kira!

With all of the silly relationship advice at our fingertips today, it is no wonder many relationships fail. Various websites, magazines, books, etc. shove so many “how tos” and “what not to dos” down our throats that it is impossible for our brains to process any of it logically. The truth is that you won’t find the key to a successful relationship in the latest edition of Cosmopolitan; it is something that is determined by the couple in the relationship. A good relationship is measured by the connection, communication, and compatibility you have with some one, not by analyzing how long it takes him to call after a date.

“Can You Make Love Happen?” is the title to one of Cosmopolitan’s many relationship articles. From the title alone, we should be able to conclude that this article is completely ridiculous. However, since most of us have an innate fear of being alone for the rest of our lives, we read it. Some poor souls even believe it. The article goes on to tell women that asking out a guy is a bad move. “Basically, it’s important for a guy to feel like he’s chasing you…..Men expect to do the courting, so some women have to go out on a limb subtly to make it easier for them,” states the article. People that feed into this line of bullshit, are less likely to find a mate. In today’s world we have to take initiative in order to get what we want and that applies to dating as well.

Another article under the sex and relationship category is titled “What Makes Men Fall in Love.” The article is broken down into four desires that men have. The first desire is to protect. “Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you,” quotes the article. Desire number two is freedom. The article advises to “blow him off” because this will make him want to pursue you more and to “reinvent yourself” by making changes to your appearance to “remind him that you’ve got zillions of facets to your personality.”

Comfort is the third desire. According to Cosmopolitan, the key to making him feel comfortable around you is to “let him see you primp” because it is something that other guys don’t get to witness and to “stock your pad” with grocery brands that he uses because it will make him feel at home in your place. Finally, the fourth desire is to shine. “Maybe he is cocky, but he is still insecure. Trust us, guy need to know that they’re respected and appreciated.”

While these four desires may be rooted in truth, the advice on what to do to play up these desires is absurd. There is no need to act vulnerable, especially if you aren’t. Nothing good can ever come out of being something you aren’t. Just be yourself and if that doesn’t work it simply means that a relationship was not meant to be, not that you are doing something wrong. Logic should also tell us that blowing him off is not an appropriate move.

Some guys may like hard to get type girls, but it makes sense that if you blow them off then they will see that as a sign to move on. Also, no one should ever have to reinvent themselves in order to impress someone else. The most important lesson we can learn from the “advice” this article gives, is to not take it. You should never have to change yourself in order to accommodate someone else, rather we should have faith that there is someone out there just as quirky as we are and that we love us for the amazing people we are!

When it comes down to it, we won’t find any answers lurking beneath the attractive cover of Cosmopolitan. I will be the first to admit that some of the beauty tips and tricks work really well, but as far as the relationship and sex advice, I am not convinced. A relationship is what you make it, not what anybody else tell you it should be. Each relationship is unique and the things that make that relationship thrive or fail are equally as unique. Relationships take maintenance, that is no doubt, but the type of maintenance required depends on the type of relationship and the people involved in it. When it comes to your relationship, trust your heart, not Cosmopolitan.

Kira W.

Wondering What to Wear Out?

Here it is ladies. Straight from the horse’s, er men’s, mouths. What they really think about what you’re wearing.

1. Leave the big sunglasses at home. Apparently, it makes you look like Lenny Kravitz.
2. Don’t wear something he just saw an 8-year-old wearing. Short denim mini? Maybe not the best choice to attract him?
3.Got tats? Some like it, some don’t.
4.Adopt a modernized Jacki O look. Apparently, more really is more.
5.Leave the flats at home. Men love the heels even if you’re just hanging out watching a movie. Oh, unless you’re the only girl in the room that can pull off red Converse All-Stars.
6.Show some toes. Yep, they love ‘em. I can personally attest to this one!
7.Don’t try to be Cindy Crawford by sticking a metal ball through your face. Not attractive!

Thoughts?

Kittens vs. Cougars-Guest Post

As you may know, I’ve been reading LisaQ’s blog for a while. I’ve had several discussions with her regarding her ability to be considered a Cougar. Long before Stiffler’s Mom and Age of Love I embraced the Cougar. Why? This woman possesses a lot of things that the younger women don’t always have. The number 1 thing I notice about the Cougar is their level of confidence. They might have faults or insecurities, but they have learned from experience how to deal with them. Nothing says sexy more than a woman who says, “I’m not perfect, I can do everything the younger woman can do but better.” Of course, this creates the Kittens vs. Cougars.

I have dated women that are in their mid-20’s. One of my biggest complaints is their lack of experience in life. They are still trying to figure out what they want in life and how to achieve those goals. One thing about the Kittens, they also still have the idea that there isn’t happiness unless they are in a relationship. They seemed shocked to realize that you can be happy if you’re single. They still want the dream wedding, the house, the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and they want you to pay for it. Ok, maybe all women want that, but Kittens expect it more than the Cougar.

I have also dated women that are in their late 40’s. One of the best things about my experience is they are comfortable with their lives. They see challenges; they conquer challenges and then move on. Why? They have experience and wisdom on their side. If they don’t have the answers, they don’t mind asking others for help. I think somewhere between Kitten and Cougar-hood they discover themselves. The Cougar discards the social pressures to fit into the mold of what others think they should be. They realize that true happiness comes from within and not from others’ opinions. One of my biggest attractions to a Cougar is her sexuality. Surprisingly, she has suffered through years of sexual frustration. Ok, maybe not years. But it’s common among Cougars. At their age they appreciate intimacy and great sexual satisfaction. Sometimes this is the most publicized attraction to a Cougar. The simple fact is there is more to a Cougar than just sex. It’s her desire to want to travel, see the world and experience what the world has to offer. No wonder 34% of the women over 40 are dating younger men.

Eathan- www.idatewhite.com
Eathan@idatewhite.com

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy

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Who Doesn’t Want to Be Extraordinary?

In the Grey’s Anatomy season finale last week, Meredith finally has a break-through where her mother is concerned. In the end she realizes that, when her mother tried to commit suicide over Richard leaving, she didn’t really want to die. Even more importantly to Meredith, during that suicide attempt, when she told Meredith to be extraordinary, she didn’t mean to be an extraordinary surgeon.

She meant for Meredith to be extraordinary in love. It took Meredith this long to figure it out, and once she did, she followed through in a big way. She went out and got “all whole and healed.” She ‘built’ her and Derek’s house complete with a room where their kids could play. A play where they could be extraordinary together.

My point here is that no matter the odds, no matter if you had a mother with unrealistic expectations of perfection or one who’s narcissism left you feeling unimportant, there’s hope. We can all go out and get “whole and healed.” We can fight the demons left on our doorstep and go out to find that extraordinary love.

In the end, isn’t that what we all really want? I mean seriously, raise your hand if, at the end of the episode, you didn’t say, “That’s what I want! I want extraordinary!” And, though some of us may believe extraordinary is the Holy Grail and maybe even that it doesn’t even exist, the truth is that it does. It’s out there. Somewhere.

Thoughts?