Last week was a very long week. On Sunday we received word that Beautifulbabydaughter’s grandpa had died. I dropped everything and drove to Wichita to be with my girls. It turned into a very long, very emotional week culminating in driving to the small town I grew up in on Friday for the funeral. Sitting there in midst of a million mullets, some old demons popped up to haunt me. It wasn’t the time or place to deal with those demons, so I didn’t. But, by yesterday, it all caught up with me and I had a mini-meltdown.
It started with a couple of emails from NML. By the time I read the 2nd one, there were tears streaming down my cheeks. Later, when Eathan called, I was in full blown fall apart mode.
I had begun thinking about the fall-out from my marriage to assclown #4 and had started reliving all of the horrid guilt and feelings of being unworthy all over again. Frustrated because I thought that I had already dealt with it all, I felt completely stuck. I had read NML’s post on forgiveness last week and felt that was where I was stuck. That what I had done, which included Beautifulbabydaughter getting brought into the middle of it, was unforgivable and how do you forgive yourself for the unforgivable?
He was very sweet and hit on some very important points. First that Beautifulbabydaughter has forgiven me and that, since she has, there’s no reason that I shouldn’t be able to forgive myself. He also pointed out that there must be some reason I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t even imagine that because it was so painful, but I realized later that he was right and why.
He, of course, had me laughing by the end of the conversation but he gave me a lot to think about. Within minutes of hanging up, my girl G called. Because she knows me so well, she knew immediately that something was wrong. As I began to explain the emails from NML and the conversation with Eathan, she reminded me of some very important things.
First that involving Beautifulbabydaughter in the whole mess was not my doing. I knew it was an adult situation and tried to shield her from what was happening. Assclown #4 and another party operating out of jealousy were the ones who drug her into it. She pointed out that when the effects of what had happened began to appear, I was the one who was there helping her through it and picking up the pieces.
Secondly, the reason that I couldn’t let it go was because the voice I was hearing my head telling me how horrible I was wasn’t mine. It was my mother’s. That “I’m embarrassed by and disappointed in you” business that I’ve dealt with all my life has become the voice that self-monitors how I feel about myself. I have managed to project all of that BS onto my own perception of myself.
G reminded me of what’s more important when thinking about this situation. She said that she hears me say sometimes that I am a good parent but more often than not the undertones of what I say reflect my mom’s thoughts. That I am a bad person, that I am unworthy and undeserving of love and happiness, that I am an embarrassment. She suggested that I make a list of all of the things I do for and with my girls that disprove the negative thoughts. All of the good things.
It’s about continuing to clear old beliefs and continuing to fall in love with myself. Otherwise, I’ll be like the monkey with his hand in the can unable to let go of the plum. Stuck. As Eathan pointed out, the only way to leave the past behind and move into the future is to let go. I’m not that attached to plums anyway.
Thoughts?
