In dating there are many times when this is a valid question. From how soon should you meet someone you’ve met online in person to how soon should you give out your phone number to how soon is it okay to have sex, it seems this is one question that pops up quite frequently in dating interactions. And, I think, what it boils down to is personal boundaries and your own comfort level.

Let’s face it we all have personal boundaries…at least we should have, but maybe that’s a whole ‘nother post. The point is based on our experiences to date we learn what we find acceptable and comfortable and what we don’t.

For example, my experiences with Instant Messenger have not been pretty. In the early days of my re-entry in the dating game, I managed to run into men who wanted to fast forward into sex talk and, worse, sending me pictures of Mr. Winky through IM. After awhile, I began to dread that “What’s your yahoo ID?” question. That has now become a full blown aversion. IM is simply something I do not do. And yet, when men ask and I explain why IM is not for me, there are those who try to push me into it. Ummmm…excuse me? You just shot yourself in the foot my friend.

Remember my phone phobia? Same kind of deal. That guy continued to push. With every email came the inevitable, “Why don’t you call me tonight?” And where is he now? Done-zo as my daughter would say. Was it because of something as trivial as a phone call? Absolutely not. It was because he couldn’t respect my boundaries. If he was pushing me to do this thing even after I explained time and time again that it made me uncomfortable, what would be next?

What about the guy who pressures you to have sex before you’re ready? Is that the guy you really want in your life? You wouldn’t accept that kind of boundary crossing from friends or family or co-workers, so why in God’s name would you accept it from someone you don’t even really know yet?

So when do you give out that phone number or meet in person? Easily answered, when your comfort level with that person rises through your interactions with them.

For example, Eathan was very respectful of my phone issues and never pushed me to give him my number. With more conversation and interactions, my comfort level with him grew. By the time he mentioned talking on the phone the second time, I knew this was someone I felt comfortable with, and I gave him the number without a moment’s hesitation. In retrospect, a good decision given we’ve had some fabulous conversations since. Then again, I knew that going in or I’d have never have given it to him.

Bottom line is that it’s not about IM or phone calls or even sex. It’s about personal boundaries and comfort. And if you let someone pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with, what the hell does that say about you? The other person sees someone they can manipulate. Not really a foundation for a possible relationship is it? Never even mind how you’re going to feel about yourself if you cave.

Thoughts?