40s Singleness Grows Up!

40s Singlenss is now 20-forty.com! 20-forty is the new brainchild of yours truly and my beautiful eldest daughter, Kira. That’s right. Kira is the new partner.

You’ve read a couple of her guest posts here on 40s Singleness and now you will get to read even more of her wonderful writing on a regular basis. How frickin’ cool is that?!

20-forty.com is our new home where we offer relationship advice because well, love isn’t always 20/20. 20-forty.com will provide a unique perspective on dating and relationships. That’s because we’ll offer an ageless perspective on love. Lisaq, as you know, writes from the perspective of a 40something woman who’s been there, done that and bought the T-shirt in the dating and relationship game, while Kira is a 20something with a very different outlook.

We are a mother-daughter team on a mission to prove that relationship advice isn’t “one size fits all.” Love, relationships and even breakups are all unique and the keys to getting through it all are equally as unique. The one thing that holds true for all of us is that, to an extent, we control the direction our lives take. We are given paths and the opportunity to take whichever path we choose. If we choose the wrong path, it is up to us to take a lesson from our mistakes and move on. After all, as I said, love isn’t always 20/20.

Our topics and categories will include dating and relationships, living single, behind closed doors (sex & intimacy), and break up & divorce. All from a unique age related perspective. There’s something for everyone at 20-forty.com!

And don’t panic! The spirit and tradition of 40s Singleness is alive and well at 20-forty.com. It will not go away. It has just grown up and moved into a new home. I have been very blessed to have you as readers. Relationships and friendships have grown here and I look forward to continuing them.

So visit us often at 20-forty.com. Don’t forget to update your links and bookmarks!

China Revisited

It had been another long week. Issues with the girls, more mama drama than any girl should have to deal with and other assorted things had me pretty drained by the time Thursday night rolled around. G and I had planned to attend the opening jam session for the Smoky Hill River Festival which is held every June here in Map Dot. We loaded up our cooler full of alcohol and headed to the festival grounds.

After several bands and a couple of drinks, I was finally beginning to relax. G had promised my attitude and mood would improve and be damned if she wasn’t right! My phone rang and I moved away from the stage to try to hear.

After finishing my conversation, I turned around and there stood China. I haven’t seen him in a few months and, honestly, it was a nice surprise. We chatted for a few minutes and I told him I was going to return to my seat.

Truth be told G and I had been having conversations about him lately…mostly about the sex. Because if there’s one thing the boy does well, it’s sex. And, well, sex is something that has been pretty non-existent for me for awhile.

See, the one thing I know about China is that with one text I can get that itch scratched. I just don’t because I don’t want to end up in the same situation we were in before. Everyone I know knows this and every single one of them becomes a cock blocker when he makes an appearance…even the beautiful daughters who tried to distract me and get me out of the bar before I saw him the last time. They even took my phone at breakfast so that I couldn’t make contact with him.

You see, China is, among other things, very predictable. Here’s how it plays out. I run into him at the bar, we hug and chat for awhile usually toward the end of the night, and then we say our good byes. Like clockwork I get a text from him an hour or so after closing time asking where I went. He’ll say he lost me or couldn’t find me and then he invites me over. It’s been the pattern for well over a year. It never fails. Same scenario, different night. And every time, I ask for a raincheck.

But Thursday night, I was in a different frame of mind and thought maybe, just maybe, this would be the night I would take him up on his offer. Sure enough, after the festival, he showed up at the bar. But this time there was a problem. It was a week night and, as he reminded me, some people still have to work during the summer. I just happen to be one of the exceptions to that rule. Well, that and the fact that he had drank so much he couldn’t find his way out of the bar. We all know how that would have worked out.

But I thought, “It’s all good. Saturday’s coming.” And, sure enough, he appeared at the very first bar we went to Saturday night. Not only did he appear, he was very, very friendly. So much so that when we left to go to the club, there were kisses and promises of a text. I was pretty sure I was taking a trip to China!

Right up until the text came and I realized it was just not something I wanted. If you’ve read 40s Singleness any amount of time at all, you know that sex for the sake of sex is just not something I normally do…no matter how long it’s been. Because, in the words of Gil Grissom (Yes, I’m a CSI nerd), sex without the emotional connection is just pointless. It makes you sad.

Do Women Want a Man Like Daddy?

A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation with Kira about guys. It was one of those conversations when dating frustrations were flaring up. One of us made that typical statement about not understanding men. The other responded with the just as typical, “Men are so confusing.” Then she added, “Except Papa.” Ah my dad. A prince among men. Of course, I’m biased but I think he very well may be the most incredible man I know. And yet, when I think about dating and men, do I want a man like my daddy?

I heard on the radio the other day that only 18% of women say they want to find a man like their dads. An interesting statistic I thought and it gave me cause to think about it even more. When I think about women wanting to be a man like daddy, my mind automatically goes to personality traits and character. Yet, in doing some research, I found that apparently it’s more about a man physically resembling dad. Does anyone else find that strange and creepy?

My dad is a wonderful man. He’s kind and caring. He’s honest and true. Patient and strong. When I think about the kind of man I want to spend my life with, I realize that those are qualities that I want in a partner. Yet, my dad lets my mom run the show. Now I realize that with her there’s not a lot of choice in that. It’s the path of least resistance and all, but damn I’ll swear there are times when he speaks, that he is simply echoing her thoughts.

And so, that being said, there are some things about him that I would love in a partner; others that I wouldn’t. And I damn sure don’t want someone who physically resembles him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a damn good looking man. It’s not that at all. It’s just, well, the thought of having sex with a man who looks like my dad kind of creeps me out.

Yet the research showed that women who had a good father-daughter relationship, chose men who resembled their fathers physically. Am I the only who finds this disturbing?

A Shot at Love Spoiler?

In an interview at the Hollywood Premiere of The Love Guru, Tila Tequila claims responsibility for the lift of the gay marriage ban saying that she believes A Shot at Love was at least partially responsible for the Supreme Court’s decision because of the success of the MTV series. Not only that though, she may very well have spoiled the outcome of this season’s A Shot at Love 2.

Not that she gave away who she chose of the three finalists left: Bo, Brittany, and Kristy. What she did tell US Weekly was that she might go to Africa this summer, where “maybe I will fall in love.”

Good Lord Tila. I mean I know it’s reality TV and all, but she could at least give the illusion that things worked out for her before the finale airs don’t you think?

Oh, and in case you missed Tila’s trip home to meet the families, check out the video of Tila’s trip to Jersey. Why would anyone take this girl home to meet their parents?

• MTV
• Music Videos
• MTV Shows
• Entertainment News

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Online Dating 101-What NOT to Say in Your Profile

My Match subscription expired yesterday. Looking through profiles and thinking about the last 3 months of online dating, I decided not to renew, at least not for now. Why? Doing a search for men between 35-45 within 20 miles of Map Dot, brings up 4 pages of results. Yes, four. Of those four pages, I can count the number of men I would be interested in on one hand. And they, apparently, are not interested in me. Seriously, just read this profile and I’ll guarantee you’ll understand. This one is a real catch!

Im divorced and have a 6 years old daughter. I am depressed and heartbroken when my wife divorced me. I am looking for a love and good relationship. Also looking for good mother for my daughter.

I mean good Lord! Don’t get me wrong. I feel for the guy, but this is soooooooo not how to attract a woman. Can you say needy, desperate, and pathetic all in one breath? This is enough to scare damn near any woman away but good!

Methinks this poor guy needs to do some inner confidence and self love work before he begins to attract anyone. Seriously guys. If you’re going to date online, you’re going to have to build a profile that attracts women. Not one that makes them feel sorry for you.

Say this guy gets some responses, even meets someone. What kind of a relationship can be built here? Personally, I don’t want someone to be with me out of sympathy. Ugh!

Thoughts?

Match.com - 15% off- Love is Waiting

Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy

Want to be featured on Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy? Just email your picture to me and you too can be WWEC!

*Note: I have no idea of the source of this pic. I received it in an email from a friend (yes, she is a good friend). If you have ownership of the picture, please email me so that I can give credit where credit is due.

The "Mr. Big" Syndrome

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I came across a thread in the POF forums written by a dude who grew up the poor lil chubby guy none of the girls wanted anything to do with. Now that he has lost weight and gotten his career on track, women are flocking like flies to shit. He is feeling resentful and bitter and feels as if he will eventually alienate everyone he comes in contact with due to his resentment.

I feel for the dude. Lots of people, men & women, are looking only for the superficial. Lots. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t still those of us out there who, while understanding physical attraction and chemistry, are trying to find the man/woman underneath.

And yet, some Bozo writes this:

It’s called “The MR. BIG SYNDROME”…………..

And you need to know that your lack of respect for them is NOT exactly UNWARRANTED….. For the ‘disease’ is running rampant amongst the women you know, and those just like them…. Every one of them thinks they are entitled to no less than a “Mr. Big”…… Or haven’t you noticed all the groups of gals all lined up at the movie theatre for their big SATC parties???

Listen dude…. It’s not going to matter how well you’re dressed…..or how thin you are now….or how much success you’re having….because what you need to know is: They are NOT concerned with the “YOU” inside….only the MR. BIG that is in their poisoned little minds….and the second you either gain some of that weight back….or loose a little money….or become MR. AVERAGE……they will be gone….because they WANTED MR. BIG….Because nothing LESS than Mr. Big will do, regardless of if they’ve earned it or not….they’re ENTITLED…and so it is written in the Gospel according to Carrie!!!

So I wouldn’t have RESENTMENT per se…… but I certainly wouldn’t waste one more second on them either. Just take some of that money you’re earning now, and buy a ‘lady’ from time to time……you’ll have a good time…and in the end…it will be CHEAPER in the long run. Don’t forget that for every six to eight hours of laying next to them in some peaceful slumber ’spooning’ come sixteen hours of sunlight when they’ve actually woken up…………

you do the math……..

All I have to say is “Bitter much?” Lord God, we all know that there are shallow people out there. There are indeed women looking only for Big and men looking for their eye candy, trophy piece. But his answer is just to write every woman out there off and buy a hooker from time to time? Really?

It just doesn’t give the rest of us much credit, does it? Those of us who have been dating long enough to know that it really is about so much more. Because really I’m not looking for Big. You think I want to hang around for 10 years while Big & I struggle to make a relationship that works for both of us? Oh hell no!

I mean sure, Carrie & Big live happily ever after in the end, or at least we think they do, but personally that’s a heapin’ load of BS I don’t want to have to go through to get to the pot o’ gold on the other side.

Thoughts?

The Journey Continues…Taking My Hand Out of the Can

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Last week was a very long week. On Sunday we received word that Beautifulbabydaughter’s grandpa had died. I dropped everything and drove to Wichita to be with my girls. It turned into a very long, very emotional week culminating in driving to the small town I grew up in on Friday for the funeral. Sitting there in midst of a million mullets, some old demons popped up to haunt me. It wasn’t the time or place to deal with those demons, so I didn’t. But, by yesterday, it all caught up with me and I had a mini-meltdown.

It started with a couple of emails from NML. By the time I read the 2nd one, there were tears streaming down my cheeks. Later, when Eathan called, I was in full blown fall apart mode.

I had begun thinking about the fall-out from my marriage to assclown #4 and had started reliving all of the horrid guilt and feelings of being unworthy all over again. Frustrated because I thought that I had already dealt with it all, I felt completely stuck. I had read NML’s post on forgiveness last week and felt that was where I was stuck. That what I had done, which included Beautifulbabydaughter getting brought into the middle of it, was unforgivable and how do you forgive yourself for the unforgivable?

He was very sweet and hit on some very important points. First that Beautifulbabydaughter has forgiven me and that, since she has, there’s no reason that I shouldn’t be able to forgive myself. He also pointed out that there must be some reason I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t even imagine that because it was so painful, but I realized later that he was right and why.

He, of course, had me laughing by the end of the conversation but he gave me a lot to think about. Within minutes of hanging up, my girl G called. Because she knows me so well, she knew immediately that something was wrong. As I began to explain the emails from NML and the conversation with Eathan, she reminded me of some very important things.

First that involving Beautifulbabydaughter in the whole mess was not my doing. I knew it was an adult situation and tried to shield her from what was happening. Assclown #4 and another party operating out of jealousy were the ones who drug her into it. She pointed out that when the effects of what had happened began to appear, I was the one who was there helping her through it and picking up the pieces.

Secondly, the reason that I couldn’t let it go was because the voice I was hearing my head telling me how horrible I was wasn’t mine. It was my mother’s. That “I’m embarrassed by and disappointed in you” business that I’ve dealt with all my life has become the voice that self-monitors how I feel about myself. I have managed to project all of that BS onto my own perception of myself.

G reminded me of what’s more important when thinking about this situation. She said that she hears me say sometimes that I am a good parent but more often than not the undertones of what I say reflect my mom’s thoughts. That I am a bad person, that I am unworthy and undeserving of love and happiness, that I am an embarrassment. She suggested that I make a list of all of the things I do for and with my girls that disprove the negative thoughts. All of the good things.

It’s about continuing to clear old beliefs and continuing to fall in love with myself. Otherwise, I’ll be like the monkey with his hand in the can unable to let go of the plum. Stuck. As Eathan pointed out, the only way to leave the past behind and move into the future is to let go. I’m not that attached to plums anyway.

Thoughts?

Women Are Swindled Out of Thousands Online

Thirteen women handed over money to this online con-man whom they met on Millionaire Match. When Paul Krueger arrived in court, he was worth $1.28. Yet this guy conned women out of tens of thousands of dollars. Apparently, the homeless man would whisk women off for weekends in Atlantic City all the while bilking them and others out of thousands.

It certainly makes you wonder about Millionaire Match’s screening process among other things doesn’t it? I mean if the website is about meeting millionaires wouldn’t you think there would be some way to verify that the person you are talking to is indeed a millionaire?

Apparently not. I filled out the registration page just out of curiosity to see if there is something that verifies income and, well, there isn’t. It’s simply a matter of saying that you make over $150,000. Now, there are ways to verify and become a certified member by providing a tax return or bank statement.

This is just one more reason to avoid these sites if you ask me. But if you think you have to have a sugar daddy (or sugar mama), be sure to search for a certified member. Oh and guys, don’t email joeschmoo. I can’t seem to figure out how to delete the phony account I created. hehe…

And, whatever you do, don’t send anyone you meet online money. I mean really. It amazes me that people do this!

Is Cheating Forgivable?-Guest Post

*NOTE: Another guest post from my beautiful daughter, Kira W.

Wilkipedia Encyclopedia defines cheating as “an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition.” When you have been “cheated” on or by someone, especially your partner, it can feel like you world was just pulled out from beneath you. Everything you thought to be true, turned out to be a lie and picking up the broken pieces can be a very rocky path. The question is, when you pick up the pieces, can you put them back together or should you pitch them and start over? Can a relationship really survive such a betrayal?

For three and a half years, I dated the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Every fiber in my body told me that I had found my future husband and the future father of my children. We had been dating for about a year when he moved 100 miles away for a new job. A year later, I picked up and moved to be with him. I loved him more than words can even express and I was so excited to be able to be with him everyday. Things were seemingly perfect.

On New Years Day of 2007 (we had been dating for two and a half years at this point) we had our first fight. He “jokingly” told me that he had a crush on one of my friends. I was immediately hurt, annoyed, pissed, and appalled at the fact that he would say such a thing to my face. He didn’t understand why I was upset but apologized anyway. We attempted to move on.

A few months went by and I met a guy I really liked. It was strange to me because until this point, I only had eyes for my boyfriend. I had what I thought were strong feelings for this other guy and broke it off with my boyfriend. Things were awkward because we still lived together but we dealt with it for a few weeks. Needless to say my little fling fizzled out pretty quickly and I ended up back together with my previous beau. He told me he wasn’t mad at me for straying because when we started dating he cheated on me with my hair stylist. At the time, I didn’t feel like I could really be mad at him about it because it had happened so long ago. Instead I dreamt up ways to ruin her life.

About six months later, we hit another rough patch. We were all of a sudden fighting constantly and annoying each other to no end. One night he decided to tell me that he had cheated on me over the summer with a family friend. I was in complete disbelief but as before, we attempted to move on. A couple weeks later we were lying in bed talking about honesty. I told him that I felt like I could tell him anything and loved the fact that I could be completely open and honest with him. He said, “yeah I’ve been completely honest with you too. Oh wait, there was this one time…” He proceeded to tell me about messing around with one of our friend’s girlfriends a few months before I moved in with him. I jumped out of bed and was outraged. He asked me to come back to bed, not understanding why I was so angry.

After three and a half years, I finally broke it off with the man was sure I was going to be with forever. I was shattered. It was really hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that my whole relationship wasn’t anything that I had perceived it to be. I could have chosen to stay with him and possibly been content, but I would have never been happy. No one deserves to be cheated on and no one should feel like they have to stay in a deceptive relationship. For me, it was about loving myself enough to step out of an unhealthy situation. For others, it may be possible to forgive and forget. Every situation and relationship is unique which makes the question “is cheating forgivable?” and impossible one to answer.